Calming down the T-rex

So I spent a few days walking around town dressed up as a T-rex

Some of you are probably not too surprised about that, some are thinking geez, girl lost her mind even more, Let me start from the beginning. I bought this costume as a sign of vulnerability, trust and love for a very special occasion and a very special person (tiny cat some might say. me, it is me who would say that), because to me being in a T-rex costume is the same as some people would feel being naked in front of the crowd. Catching up already? ok, maybe that is not the beginning, so let me rewind a bit more. Hold on tight, you are in for a ride.

Have you seen the beautiful animation called Inside Out? if you haven’t, drop all you are doing, I promise it is worth it. But either way, similarly to that idea, I always imagined that there is a little (subjective) T-rex in our heads, taking care of all the mind and heart matters, trying to make all work smoothly. Well, you can imagine it is not so easy for such a weirdly proportioned creature to put all the documents in the right drawers and we definitely don’t help with our busy schedules and oh-so-complicated inner worlds. This is when things become messy - sadness comes out as anger, love gets overtaken by ego, excitement goes through the roof, fear expresses in intense attention, and so on and so on. We have all been there, done that. So what do we do next? We get mad at the T-rex. These are not the feelings we were asking for, we don’t know what to do we these feelings, so we shove it all away. Poof, they are gone. We are fine.

oh so fucking FINE.

Have you ever said that? Fine? It is a beautiful word, means absolutely nothing and everything possible at the same time. Great way to end a small talk, avoid opening up to yourself or others and pushing the little (again, very subjective, but he fits in your head, so must be smooooool) T-rex away, adding up to an already complicated pile of papers to go through. The thing is, T-rex gets frustrated and exhausted too. He (she/it/ non-binary, i’m not here to define your T-rex), waits for the moment you are not guarding the door anymore and tries to escape this workload you are putting on him. Maybe that happens when you are tired, maybe when you are drunk, maybe when you are covered in work or dealing with so so many things, but there are times you don’t guard the door and T-rex comes out. He brings all the messy papers with him and makes confetti out of it.

So what do you do then? Well, you have few options - you push the T-rex back in, hoping he will get tired and calm down, or… you let it be and listen. Without judgment, without restrictions, you just let it be there and listen.

So where did I start? Ah, I got my T-rex costume as a sign of vulnerability, trust and love, as a ‘‘you have seen it all, the super good, the super bad, the messy in-between, but i trust that around each other we can be all of the above with no fear’’ . And then? Then I just let it stay. Both the feelings and the costume. The thing is, they are the same. They both feel scary and embarrassing and not right in the beginning and then they just…are. I observed my sadness while pouring beer for the craziest parties in town and dancing throughout the night, my confusion while meeting up with friends, my fear while entering a coffee place, my outbursts of love when it was unrequired, my pride in someone else’s achievements while watching an orchestra play, the pain of loss while watching someone be extremely happy, my heart breaking while scrolling through social media, emotions I can’t even describe while smelling waffles being made across the street. And I let it be there while going on with my daily life. Just like the T-rex played darts, had coffee, danced in a bar and people around…just went along with it, I went along with my inner T-rex too.

And yes it was messy. Big bum, small arms, things were broken, I could barely manage my way through and I’m not talking just about the costume. But after a while, I realized that that didn’t define me. yes, I was in a T-rex costume, it attracted some attention, some smiles, questions, but after some time people were just talking to me, completely ignoring the big inflatable green bag with hella cute eyes I had on. Same with feelings. you can be sad/angry/confused, but that does not define you. Listen to it, (i will steal this one) observe it as a wave coming through, don’t ignore it, don’t push it away, just acknowledge it and let it be, it will know when to go away. And till then? you just listen. Like a song you are not looking for a meaning, you are just listening and seeing where it takes you and after some time you will know what the song was about. And if you don’t? well, my darling, it tends to play on repeat until you REALLY listen. Notice how well you do that for others. We learn to adapt, we change our behavior, choose words carefully and do all we can to fit better with the T-rex’s of the ones we love, so why are we so afraid to do that with the one we carry inside?

So what is my conclusion of a two-day T-rex experiment? Let your T-rex be, let him be silly and wild and break a few things on the way, creating a huge mess and just observe. He will tell you everything you need to know. And in the moments when you feel like he is too much and you want to hide him once again, you will notice so many amazing people around you petting and calming him down, to ease your pressure so you can keep going on. What about me? I’m still listening to the playlist, my T-rex was trapped in for some time, I might as well let him be frustrated, broken, curious, excited, sad, angry, loving, caring - anything he wants to be. After all, we are all just tiny potatoes (geez, I keep adding these things as I go) trying to figure things out. Be kind to yourself as you are to others, you are not too much and your T-rex is not too much either. Just like an amazing person recently reminded me this, i will share with you - You are good enough in any place you are at right now, remember that.